Mom life hacks for the "don't have time to give a fuck moms"
Welcome to the chaos survival guide at Funny-Farm Mama. When you are juggling being a mom, feeding animals and keeping your home running smoothly; perfection is the first thing out the window. My rules? I have none! Keep it simple, stupid—and sometimes, say fuck it and roll with the shitshow.
Morning homesteading survival
Take care of your fuckin self first! I wake up, start my coffee on the keurig and THEN I start caring for animals. I let the dogs out, let the ladies out (chickens), feed the chickies, make sure the snakes have water, feed and water the bearded dragon, check the bunny food and feed the dogs...then I continue on with my day! Ain't no one want to see this mama before coffee!
Who pays for a haircut?!
Gentlemen, hear me out! If you have a wife or girlfriend...or daughter who has ADHD and you hear that bitch say " I'm going to cut my hair." You best believe you have .32 seconds to intervene before she gon' dun do it. Ask my boyfriend. He will tell you; and I have the lack of hair to prove it. That if you do NOT, I repeat NOT intervene, she WILL come back down the hallway with a haircut and a smile on her face.
I have been fighting a horrific migraine all day, and when I say all day, I mean since 430 this morning when it woke me up, I took Tylenol and went back to bed with a hope and a dream, that magically, when I woke up, I would be migraine free. Wrong! It is now 5:30 pm and I'm still suffering. So, I figured, heavy hair = migraines. Bye bye heavy hair. I walked past my boyfriend, nonchalantly said "I'm cutting my hair!" He laughs, I continue on my merry little way. Now, he should have known better. Be he did not, and I seized the opportunity.
I plugged in his clippers, threw my hair into 2 ponytails; eyeballed that sucker, said "good enough", and started sawing through it. Piece by piece.
I hustled back to the living room and all he could say was "I thought you were joking."
I was not joking, nor have I ever joked about needing an immediate, abrupt, noticeable change to my appearance. I've had eyebrow rings, lip rings, nose rings, dyed hair, blue hair, pink hair, black hair...you get the gist. And I never, not once ever had the patience to get it professionally done. Oh no! Friend has a piercing needle and pierced himself once? Checkmate!
Cue 16 year old me getting an eyebrow piercing in my deceased grandmother's bathroom. Yup! Surprise mom! Needed a change!
18 year old me getting a 2nd lip ring and 2nd ear piercing, at a skate park by the same friend mentioned above. Yep! Needed a change!
32 year old me needing a change; hair clippers, bathroom! Check!
If she says she's changing her appearance; it's happening. And we're not even sorry.
Co sleep with your babies...seriously, do it!
I was a single mama when I first had my daughter and was put on bed rest for 10 days post partum. Co sleeping saved my sanity. And I heard it all "She'll never sleep independently." "You're creating a bad habit." "It's ok to let them cry it out."
So I tried...all of the above methods, and I felt awful in my soul. My baby was crying for me and I was ignoring her, because "society said so."
My daughter is now 6, and over the last year she has become increasingly better at sleeping in her own bed. And tonight, finally, tonight she asked to sleep in her own bed...without being prompted.
And you know what?! I'm not ready for it and I'm a little bit sad and a little bit proud. But ya know what? I don't regret co sleeping for a second!
Sleep with your babies, they're only little for so long.
Broke bitch meal prep
This photo above, depicts the "muffins" my daughter made when we first moved! Ketchup muffins full of all of my spices, mini marshmallows and all of my hopes and dreams.
Homeschooling does not need to be over complicated. Real farm life counts as biology, math, and physical education. Add flexible lessons with budgeting and making something out of nothing as a broke bitch; and you've got dinner on the table with things you already had!
Share your favourite "fuck it" hacks with us
Now that you know how we survive daily life, drop your funniest, and most unconventional shortcuts that make family life simpler. Have a hilarious question or a tip that saved your sanity? Head over to our reader questions page to join the conversation.
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